Okay. New thing to bitch about. What is up with advertising? Every second ad on TV or radio is about weight-loss or making yourself look younger. On Chicago radio, every other commercial is advertising some liposuction doctor or varicose vein surgery. And their angle is "I just don't feel good about myself." And it's this appeal to your self-esteem rather than your vanity that really chaps my hide. It's all so false and so transparent. The ads for gray-covering hair color and "age-defying" magic potions and what is up with all the teeth whiteners?? We are not all supposed to look alike. We are not all supposed to look brand new. NEWSFLASH!: When you live, you use up your body. It's nature, biology, it's the way it is! You can't fight it, and frankly, I think it looks ridiculous when you try. This desperate attempt to look plastic? It's called trying to have your cake and eat it too. You can't have wisdom and experience and laugh and cry and NOT SHOW IT. It's either one or the other, you freak shows! I know, as a nation, we are fat and getting fatter. Yes, we need to do something about it. But I really don't think Dr. Gupta of the Liposuction Clinic is going to get it done.

Personally, I am fat and getting fatter. If I start eating healthier and like actually do some physical exercise, I will feel better and be healthier. As a side effect, I will also look better. I know this. Financially, it is in my best interest to drop some weight because I can't afford to buy any new clothes. That is my personal situation. I dye my hair because I like having it different colors. I don't wear sunscreen because I like freckles. I laugh like a maniac because I like to have fun. I smoke various substances because I like the way it makes me feel. I drink beer because I want to. I eat chocolate because it tates good and the gods saw fit to let me enjoy it and not be allergic to it. I watch TV and movies because they interest and entertain me. I don't run because it bores me and my feet hurt from it. Any or all of these things damage my body to some degree but I'm not going to stop doing them (or start doing them) because they all add up to me enjoying my life. I don't care if it causes wrinkles or age spots or fat. Do some people eat far too much for their own good? Yes. Are some people far too sedentary for their own good? Yes. Do smokers have stained teeth? Yes. Does any of this make you a bad person? No.

I just don't get people who think appearance is everything. Obviously it means something because the way you look is the first think most people know about you. And, yes, we all make judgments based on that first impression. But if you end up talking to someone, then your idea of them will be based more on that, right? I mean, I know as much as anyone else that if you feel like you look good, your confidence soars. But I can't imagine being one of those people so obsessed with the paleness of their legs or their varicose veins that they won't wear shorts in the summer. I've met some of these misguided fools. I'm sorry. I live in the Midwest, where it regularly hits 95 degrees in July. There is no way I'm going anywhere but work without shorts on. Or these people who panic when their roots show. What's that about? Of course, it goes without saying that I will never in a million years understand people who willingly decide to have a surgeon cut them up just so they can look like they haven't been around for as long as they have. Or for something as inane as breast implants or liposuction. Because there is not really any such thing as "routine surgery." I don't mean to freak anyone out but there is always a risk when surgery is involved, no matter how simple or small the job. It's invasive and traumatic for your body. And I would never choose to do it unless it involved a serious health issue.

But the teeth-whitener thing must be new. I just can't get over how many ads for different kinds of whiteners I've seen since I got home. It would make me laugh if it didn't make me cry. The "beauty" industry creates "flaws," which they describe in great detail, and then markets stuff to make them all better. It's all made up. Shrink your pores? Make your hair thicker? Take a pill to get skinny? You NEED to have whiter teeth? When you really think about it for more than four seconds, doesn't all of that sound utterly ridiculous?

And that "you can be bad" Subway campaign is the worst. Why is eating something you want that tastes good "bad"? Why do you have to atone for that? And that cheerleader/cross dressing thing annoyed me the most. Cross dressing is portrayed as "bad" and silly and deviant, and that attitude is just wrong. Plus this 'deviant' behavior is equated with eating chocolate ice cream. Who in the what now? Okay, I understand that most like Republican-type people think that cross-dressers are genetic freaks with communicable diseases because a man dressing like a woman is degrading and emasculating and they're all what-"real"-man-would-want-to-look-like-a-woman-because-women-are-less-than-men about it. I don't hold with that belief, but I know it's a popular one. So this terrible, horrible, bad thing this man does to himself is equivalent to his wife eating some chocolate ice cream...well, seriously, just what does that say? A man can all but "un-man" himself (again, not a position I hold, but a position the commercial gets behind) but a woman's worst crime is over-indulging in some junk food? God, feel proprietary over our bodies much? Good grief, where is Jared when you need him?

Guys in cheerleading outfits washing a car to Toni Basil's "Mickey" aside, can we please be allowed to enjoy our lives without being reminded every sixty seconds that there are so many things that are so very wrong with us? No? Fine, I'm just going to watch cable.