I don�t really know why it is. It seems like I only get this when I�m really menstrual, either pre or during. I don�t know if my body and mind react differently now because I�m older or if it�s just that I�m not wound as tightly as I was for most of my life, worried about the horror of dripping one drop of blood on anything anywhere, but it seems that my period has really started affecting me so much more in so many ways in the last few years. I get cramps now and really heavy blood and really fucking emotional. Not only am I on the verge of tears for about ten days every month, but everything affects much more strongly than I think it should (after I re-consider it later). So I get upset more easily (this will seem nigh unto impossible to some people who have known me for most of my life) and what, inevitably, follows is a ridiculously detailed, shame spiraling, overblown, five-second, dime-store psycho-babble analysis of my life. And I always come to the same conclusion; namely that something needs to change. And I don�t know if it�s chance or if it�s my absolute inability to really confide in people (always, always for fear of being thought �uncool� or �weak�), but I always have at least one or two people in my life appear (to me) to confirm all of my worst fears. Usually something happens, to which I have a valid (bad) reaction (like today, when I fucked up something at work), and then, instead of calling someone to talk it out or just fucking getting over it, I let anything else that goes wrong, no matter how trivial, proceed to fucking ruin my entire day. Now, we proceed to phase two: once I get home, I call up some people, usually one or two, and their (perceived) supreme disinterest in me, sends me down even further. Now, my judgment is most likely clouded due to hormones or the shittiness of having a bad day (or both), but I can�t shake the idea that the only people I have in my life to call, don�t want to talk to me. Bear in mind that I never tell them something is wrong and I�m not generally a phone person. I may have interrupted them in the middle of something or they just may be wondering, �Why is she calling me? She hates talking on the phone.� Either way, if they don�t appear to be overwhelmingly ecstatic to hear from me, I conclude they don�t want to talk to me (ever) and can�t wait to get me off the phone. The worst part of all of this, is that I DON�T have a very good idea of what people think of me. I assume Snap is still my friend because she likes me, but, even after knowing her for 25 years, if you asked me to tell you right now why she liked me or what she thought of me, I honestly wouldn�t know. And if I managed to hazard a guess, I wouldn�t have the least idea if I was right. And I assume most of my siblings like me okay, despite the fact that brothers and sisters are foisted on a person, without regard to actual compatibility. But I don�t know that for sure, and I can never completely assure myself that, if I disappeared tomorrow, anyone in particular (family or otherwise) would care much. Not that people wouldn�t be upset if I died or something, just that no one�s life would be altered much if I just wasn�t in it anymore. I know that sounds really needy and that I�m fishing for approval, and while that probably is the case, that doesn�t make the feeling any less true.

SIDEBAR: Seriously, does anyone have an idea of what people think of them? This is a serious question. I would like to know. Aside from the fact that I tend to keep things to myself and then not remember what I�ve kept to myself and what I�ve shared with the people in my life, I honestly do not know what people think when they think of me. Like, someone tells me P Doody is going to be at a function I am going to be at, I immediately think, �Oh good!� Every time, that�s what I think. Even when I�m mad at him, I think that before I remember to be mad. But I don�t know if people are filled with dread upon hearing they will be seeing me. Or indifference. Or excitement. Or disgust. Or �She has bad hair.� Or what. I really don�t know. I try to be fun to be around, cool, funny, just like everyone else does. But I have this cockeyed way of keeping things to myself because I fear they will, I don�t know, hurt my rep or something. I mean, even now, I�m having a serious debate in my head about posting this because it might make my sister and brother-in-law (they are the only people who read this) think I�m not cool. As if that wasn�t blown out of the water when I asked them if they�d ever heard of this paper thing called The Onion.END SIDEBAR

So now, that I�ve convinced myself that no one currently in my life gives me what I need, regardless of the fact that I haven�t asked for it, then comes phase three: something has to give. Either I need to find people to bring into my life who will care for me as much as I think they should, or I need to realize I don�t really need people. And, of course, this is when I go into fantasy boyfriend mode. I keep thinking if I had a person who HAD to listen to me when I got home (if only just �cause he knew if he sat through it, then it would be over and I�d feel better), if I had someone who was around a lot and cared enough about whether or not I was in a good mood to help me be in one, well, then that would be better. So I start fantasizing about what it would be like to have someone who would tell me my boss sucks, I rule, and then give me a back rub. But that gets into relationship territory. Probably due to some dreary daddy issues, I am sort of afraid of guys. Some times I think it's impossible to even think of being able to stand one in my life for more than five minutes, while other times I'm so scared I'd completely lose myself in a guy-in a miasma of neediness and begging for validation and attention that would even embarrass Sex-book-era Madonna. This usually enough to put me off even the thought of relationships for months. So not only do I know absolutely nothing about relationships, I get bogged down in semantics. I keep thinking that it should be so SIMPLE to find someone who likes most of the things you like, who has a similar sense of humor, and who you kinda like the look of, and just hang out. I mean, I can start a conversation with most any girl I meet, but guys totally fluster me. Even though I spend a lot of time around guys, they�re all either related to me or friends of guys who are related to me. And most of them usually treat me like I�m one of the guys. Which is totally fine with me. Most of the time. But starting a conversation with a guy I was just introduced to as someone�s sister or daughter is decidedly different than a conversation with a guy I want to talk to �cause I think he�s cute. So the fact that it is most obviously NOT simple to find a guy to hang out with who wants to kiss me usually stops the fantasy dead in its tracks and I go on to the next phase: I Can Be Happy By Myself. Which is totally true, but again, that�s only most of the time. Aside from the fact that I listen to Springsteen constantly and he�s always talking about �Human Touch� or �Two Hearts� or some damn thing, even I get lonely sometimes. And when I get menstrual I really start to think about it. A lot. And then when my period ends I truly wonder what the fuck I was on about. Because, really, I do like my life. I have a good time, even at work most of the time. I do a lot of things that make me very happy: listen to music, look up weird shit on the internet, smoke weed, watch cartoons (usually in that order), talk to my friends, go see Bruce Springsteen in concert, watch my nephew grow up. These are all really fun and I would describe myself as happy, if anyone asked. But every month or so I freak out. And it really is different when I have my period. I used to think PMS was just one more thing male doctors seriously made up to make women think that there�s always something wrong with them. I hated when other women claimed to have PMS or talked about being unreasonable because of it. I literally never even felt remotely different than usual before or during my period until I was about 26. So this is a really new phenomenon for me. And I always get through it (partly �cause I know it�s going to end) and then I�m fine. But the annoying thing about it is that it�s not something I�m ever going to actually ANSWER. It�s not a problem I can think out because you can�t think out happiness or contentment. And I am happy and content most of the time. I don�t expect to be those things all of the time. Hell, I realize how lucky I am to be either of those things ANY of the time. It�s just weird that I go through this on a regular basis and I�ve never even told anyone before. I guess I didn�t think I had anyone to tell.